Couples Coaching: When Trust Issues Aren’t the Issue
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Names and identifying details have been changed to protect privacy. The following case study reflects a real therapeutic journey, told from the coach’s perspective.
Beginning: What She Came In Believing
When Sophie first reached out, she was convinced the problem was her. She described herself as someone with “severe trust issues,” shaped by previous relationships where loyalty had not been respected. She believed those old wounds were poisoning her current relationship.
She’d been with her partner for nine years. They shared children, a household, and a long emotional history. But trust had been the fracture line for almost the entire relationship. Her fear of betrayal had led to arguments, distance, and even a past breakup.
She arrived in counselling apologetic, ashamed, and exhausted — convinced that she was the one sabotaging what could be a happy relationship.
But like many clients who present with “trust issues,” she didn’t yet realise that her nervous system wasn’t reacting to imagination.
It was reacting to something real.
Middle: What We Discovered Together
Through our conversations, patterns began to emerge — patterns she had normalised, minimised, or explained away as her own paranoia.
1. Emotional Disconnection in Daily Life
Her partner spent the vast majority of his free time on his phone:
- texting people from the early morning when he first woke up,
- scrolling during meals,
- messaging during films or shared downtime,
- constantly half-present, physically there but mentally elsewhere.
This behaviour alone can destabilise even the most secure attachment style. Sophie was not imagining emotional distance — she was living in it.
2. A Third Party Who Thrived on Drama
Her partner also spent frequent, prolonged periods of time with the mother of his first child — a woman Sophie described as confrontational, dramatic, and intentionally provocative.
This woman:
- stirred conflict between Sophie and her partner,
- created tension deliberately,
- and used shared parenting as leverage to remain deeply involved in his life.
This was not a neutral co-parenting dynamic.
This was an emotional triangle — and Sophie could feel it.
3. The Nervous System Knows What the Mind Tries to Ignore
Sophie believed she was having an irrational response to a partner who was “perfectly trustworthy.” But when we dissected the reality of the situation, something became clear:
Her nervous system was responding not to fantasy, but to inconsistency, emotional unavailability, and proximity to someone who actively undermined the relationship.
She wasn’t reacting to ghosts from the past.
She was reacting to present-day behaviours that would trigger insecurity in almost anyone.
4. The Breakthrough Moment
The turning point came during a session when she described watching a film with her partner. The children were in bed. It was supposed to be a bonding moment.
He spent the entire film texting.
She said:
“I felt crazy for being upset. I told myself I had no right to feel insecure. But I just sat there thinking… he’s not here with me.”
That was the moment she allowed herself to name what she had been suppressing:
Her reaction wasn’t extreme. It was appropriate.
The Work We Did: Rebalancing the Truth
Our work wasn’t about convincing her to “trust more.”
It was about helping her understand what her body already knew.
1. Reframing Her Self-Blame
We explored the gap between:
- what she had been told was happening,
- and what was actually happening.
She had internalised the idea that she was oversensitive. In reality, she had been conditioned to ignore her own emotional reality.
Once she separated her partner’s narrative from her lived experience, her self-blame began to loosen.
2. Identifying the Real Trigger Points
Her distress wasn’t about imagined infidelity.
It came from:
- emotional neglect,
- inconsistent presence,
- lack of boundaries with an interfering third party,
- and her partner’s prioritisation of his phone over their family.
These are legitimate relationship injuries — not irrational fears.
3. Rebuilding Her Internal Stability
We worked on grounding techniques, emotional naming, and calming her nervous system. But more importantly, we worked on strengthening her internal voice, so she could distinguish between anxiety and instinct.
4. Evaluating the Relationship Itself
Rather than forcing herself to “trust harder,” Sophie began to honestly evaluate:
- whether her partner’s behaviour met her emotional needs,
- whether the relationship was genuinely safe,
- and whether change was possible without her carrying all the responsibility.
This was not about leaving.
It was about no longer abandoning herself.
End: Where She Landed
By the end of our work together, Sophie had come to several crucial realisations:
1. She Was Not the Sole Problem
Her responses, while intense, were proportionate to the emotional instability of the relationship.
2. Her Partner Had to Participate in Repair
Trust cannot be rebuilt by one person alone.
She recognised that his behaviour — his phone habits, his lack of presence, his boundary issues — were contributing significantly to her distress.
3. Her Feelings Were Valid
This was perhaps the most transformative outcome.
She stopped treating herself as the unreliable narrator of her own life.
4. She Began Setting Boundaries
Small but meaningful changes began:
- communicating her needs clearly,
- requesting uninterrupted time,
- calling out inappropriate co-parenting dynamics,
- and refusing to blame herself for his choices.
5. She Regained Her Sense of Self
The shame she carried at the beginning of the process had dissolved.
She was no longer a woman apologising for her trust issues — she was a woman understanding the reality of her relationship.
What This Case Demonstrates
This story reflects a pattern I see often in individual counselling:
People come in believing something is “wrong” with them,
only to discover their reactions make perfect sense in context.
Sophie didn’t need to be fixed.
She needed her reality to stop being dismissed — by others and by herself.
Once she reclaimed that truth, everything else began to shift.
